Avalanche Hits Las Vegas
by Chauncey Chu
Summary: Las Vegas will be dominated in one arctic landslide. Avalanche. What happens if Vincent drinks too much alcohol to the point that he can't differentiate Yuffie from Cid? Chaos? A new love team? I don't know. Find out for yourself. Lol.
1. Chapter 1

**Avalanche Hits Las Vegas**

**Author's Notes**: When I first came up with this idea, it felt like an awesome, a totally epic fic that no one had thought of, or so I think. Endless possibilities, right? Endless randomness and stupidity too. Now, it doesn't seem so. Oh well. Erm...don't expect too much. :D

**Disclaimer**: This is so obvious that it doesn't need mention. Seriously.

* * *

Chapter 1: The Game Plan

Brrrt. Brrrt.

Vincent's eyes shot open.

Brrrt. Brrrt.

Lethargic, he sat upright and searched for the cause of his awakening. He was in a perfectly peaceful trance before a disturbance cut him off from his secluded world of solitude. He found his PHS ringing on the bedside table. He shot it a glare.

Brrrt. Brrrt.

He took it and stared hard at the flashing screen.

_7:04 AM_

_Yuffie Kisaragi calling_

Vincent tossed the PHS away. His lazy eyes drifted to the digital clock on his side. _Where did that come from?_ He crossed his feet on the bed, which was awfully comfortable. Wait. A _bed_? He was supposed to be in a coffin. He looked down at himself and found his crimson attire missing. Then, he came to a realization after seeing so many foreign objects so early in the morning.

This wasn't his manor. He was in a lavish hotel room.

A sudden, sharp headache pierced his head. He winced and rubbed his temples in an attempt to cure it. To no avail, he failed and ended up only making it worse. He laid his hand to his side as his vision turned blurry from an influx of alcohol, coffee and cigarette overdose slash withdrawal. His hand touched something. Something soft. He threw the covers off the bed.

Vincent Valentine almost screamed.

A woman was sleeping on the other side of the bed.

XXX

_/Exactly one week ago/_

"But Vince, it's gonna be fun!"

"No."

"Tifa and I have been planning this since...since..."

Vincent looked at the young ninja with a raised eyebrow. "Since?"

"Since Sephiroth had his butt kicked."

Vincent smirked. "Sure." The gunman continued walking down Seventh Heaven as Yuffie followed him from behind. She repeatedly tugged on his sleeve to persuade him. He practically dragged her all the way to the exit with his unbreakable self-control and stature.

"Vinnie! Come _on_, it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance!" She was already whining. She just couldn't understand what it took to make a certain Vincent Valentine to say yes to such an easy question.

"No, thank you."

He reached for the knob and opened the door.

"Wait! Wait!" Yuffie clung to him like a clerk would do to bargain with his customer. "Why won't you come?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I do not favor places like such."

"English please?"

"I do not want to go to Las Vegas."

"Eh," Yuffie breathed out. "Just come along, okay? Think of it as a reunion of our group."

"I will think about it."

With that, Vincent left the bar. Yuffie withdrew from the door and sat lazily on a barstool. Tifa entered the scene from the kitchen. She expected bad news from the defeated look on Yuffie's face. Nevertheless, she had to ask to make sure. "So, what did he say?"

"He'll think about it."

"Which means?"

"He's not coming. Duh." Yuffie scratched her forehead in irritation. Tifa chuckled and joined her by the counter.

"How about the others?" Yuffie asked as she played with her thumbs.

"Barrett and Cid have both said yes. Of course, Marlene won't come along. Shera might."

"Red?"

"Yeah." Tifa walked past Yuffie and took a rag from the cabinet.

"Good. Chocobo-butt?"

"That's obvious.

"Are you sure you'll let him come?" Yuffie scratched the back of her head. "There are a lot of women in Vegas."

"I'm sure Cloud wouldn't dare do that. He'd be desperate to die if he would," Tifa replied in full confidence as she cracked her knuckles subconsciously. Yuffie slumped further on her seat. She sighed and rested her chin on the countertop. "Damn it."

"What's wrong?" Tifa started cleaning shot glasses with a cloth.

"Damn it."

"Damn what?"

"Damn Vincent and his damn Vincent-ness."

Tifa filled a glass with water and slid it across the countertop to Yuffie. The ninja caught it effortlessly with one hand. "I'm going to make him go with us," Yuffie finally declared through serious eyes. She emptied the glass and slammed it on the counter.

Tifa felt uneasy, a mix of fear and excitement. "And how are you going to perform that miracle?"

"Just watch me."


	2. Chapter 2

**Avalanche Hits Las Vegas**

**Author's Notes**: The first chapter was a bit short, but I'll make it up to you in this chapter. I think. Hooked? Yes? Awesome. No? I knew that.

* * *

Chapter 2: Vacation Gone Bad

Vincent clutched his PHS, ready to break it into pieces.

"Will you come now?" A high-pitched voice boomed through the phone's speakers.

"Give me back Cerberus."

Vincent closed his eyes as the female on the other end of the line laughed. He was going to murder her once he gets the chance to. This was just too much.

"It's about to be auctioned on Ebay. No can do," the female informed. "Is that all you want back?"

"And the rest of my dignity."

Vincent's eye twitched. He was sitting in front of a monitor that displayed a web browser. A large picture was on the screen. A picture that involved him doing something gravely explicit. The words on top of the image were: "Vincent Valentine Finally Admits He's Gay, Fangirls Gravely Disappointed".

"Well, will you come to Las Vegas with us?" the female asked again.

"Yuffie, take this...this..._abomination_ off the world wide web." His words were deadly serious. Too bad Yuffie didn't give a damn. Instead, she simply laughed at his poor choice of words.

"Internet, buddy, not world wide web. In what era do you live, grandma?"

He grunted. Growled. Whatever.

"Answer me first. Are you coming or not?"

"Just take this picture _off_."

"Okey-dokey!" Yuffie hung up. Vincent pressed the red button on the top right of the browser. He had enough of the semi-pornography that he was forced to stare at for an hour. The picture was edited, he knew, but it looked real. Yuffie was going to pay for this. There was _no way_ he'd share a French kiss with anyone. Especially Cid.

As Vincent prepared his things, he could only think of one thing.

"_Of all the people...why the hell did she choose Cid?_"He would've been less angrier otherwise.

An hour later, Vincent found himself in front of Seventh Heaven, tiredly heaving his travel bag across his shoulder. Reporters and paparazzi followed him as soon as he left the internet cafe.

Yes, an _internet cafe_. Imagine that. Vincent sitting on a monobloc chair, staring at a monitor. Simply amazing. Poor Vincent didn't have a computer.

He had to utilize his knowledge of shortcuts and alleyways with dead ends to reach Seventh Heaven without anyone equipped with a camera creeping up behind him like a mother-in-law. He took in a deep breath and stepped up to the door. Before he could knock, the door was opened by none other than the great Yuffie Kisaragi.

"Well?" she had a smug grin plastered on her face.

Vincent glared at her. "Give me the ticket."

Yuffie took out a plane ticket from her back pocket and placed it on Vincent's open palm. "You made the right choice."

Vincent pushed Yuffie back and entered the bar. The whole bunch was there, all waiting for him. He saw Cid lighting a cigarette and approached him, since he was the one closest to the door.

"How did they get you to join?" Vincent asked Cid in a half-whisper.

"French kiss. You?"

Vincent should've known better. "Same." He scanned the room and found Barrett looking outside the window. He walked to him. Barrett noticed him and started a brief whisper-conversation.

"Ya bribed too?"

Vincent nodded. "You?"

"Weiner."

Vincent didn't have to ask further. Red was soundlessly sleeping further north, so he decided not to ask him. This wasn't vacation. This was a trap. A torture chamber.

"All of you packed your things, right?" Tifa asked all of them. The three men nodded. Cloud promptly joined the party. "All set?"

"Yup!" Yuffie answered cheerily.

"Let's go!" Tifa threw the door open for everyone.

Vincent's left leg twitched.

This was _not_ going to be good.

On the airplane, the seats were arranged in pairs. Cid sat with Barrett, Cloud with Tifa, Red by himself and Vincent with no one else but Yuffie. It was the _worst _ten hours of his life.

"Look, Vincent! That cloud looks like an elephant!"

"Yes, Yuffie," Vincent sighed out. His seatbelt was strapped tightly and was secured with a padlock. Seriously. Something was definitely wrong with the airline they chose.

"Hey! Hey! That one looks like a duck!"

"All the clouds look like animals to you, Yuffie."

She turned to him and pouted. "I see other stuff too."

"Like?"

She turned to her left and gazed outside the small window. "Um...an elephant?"

Vincent executed a facepalm.

Cloud and Tifa were asleep side to side while Red was being thrown off the airplane.

"No pets allowed!" a flight attendant yelled at Red XIII.

"I am not a pet."

"Who owns this red, talking dog?"

Red shook his head and went back to his seat. On the other hand, Barrett was having problems with his lunch.

"Sir, would you like some poutine?" the flight attendant asked.

"Wha? Poo-teen? I ain't eatin' you poo."

"Poutine, sir."

"Pooh-tine? I don't watch Disney."

"POUTINE. P,O,U,T,I,N,E."

Barrett shrugged. The flight attendant gave up and asked Cid. "Sir, would you like some poutine?"

Cid waved his hand. "Nah. Got any cigarettes?"

"We prohibit smoking here, sir. How about chicken-"

"No smoking? What the hell." He lit up a cigarette and put it to his mouth. Alarms started going on. The airline staff panicked, running back and forth inside the plane. It was a good thing they reserved the plane all for themselves. Other people would've been victims. Vincent silently watched as chaos ensued. If he reached the airport alive, he swore he would kiss the ground.

After three hours, the pilot of the airplane finally managed to land on solid ground.

Barrett was the first to come out of the airplane.

"Hello, Vegas!" Cid shouted as soon as he came out of the airplane. He spat out his cigarette when tropical trees and plants was all he could see. The cigarette went to Barrett's head and burned his hair. The rest of it that was left, that is. Cloud and Tifa came out of the aircraft after a few seconds. Yuffie went next, Vincent the last.

This was no airport.

It was an uncharted island.

"Where the hell are we?" Cid asked no one in particular.

"Vegas?" Barrett responded.

"We have made an emergency landing. Please evacuate the airplane," the pilot's voice echoed through several speakers inside the plane. "The system detected problems concerning smoke issues in the engine area."

Tifa rolled her eyes and looked at the pilot of their group. "Cid?"

"What? All I did was light up a weed."

Tifa sighed. She checked her PHS. No signal.

Vincent wished he was back in his coffin. Too late to do anything now, he thought. Yuffie tugged on his sleeve and pointed at a random direction. "Hey! Hey! Vinnie, look!"

"What is it now?" The ground started shaking all of a sudden.

"An elephant!"

He traced where her finger was pointing.

Oh dear Leviathan no.


End file.
